the process of unlearning

I do want to caveat this entry by saying I do value the good memories of my time spent in. I still have a few dear friends left serving. there were some great times in defence, but unfortunately my time is overshadowed by some acts some gross people did. some of the attitudes and teachings were gross too.

you don’t have to have served to understand that the military is an organisation that is a disciplined, structured and hierarchical environment. you’re made to be a resilient and “well-rounded” individual. you’re a blank canvas when you walk into recruits. you’re then programmed with all of their teachings, drills and attitudes — to which this is all fair game, you do sign up to the adf knowing these things. it’s when certain individuals start to abuse their power and the system, when shit hits the fan. and I saw that far too many times.

I found it to be quite hypocritical at times. when I joined the navy, the values were honour, honesty, courage, integrity and loyalty. words that were drilled into our heads as we’d yell them at the top of our lungs while marching around the parade ground at recruit school. they hung huge white signage of these words above the ground too. looking back now, it was so cheesy n was kinda psychotic. we used to have to do “bull-rings” chanting them too. (running in our steel cap boots and dpnu/camo uniforms around the inner sanctum of the recruit school grounds).

many of my leaders were in fact not well adjusted or emotionally intelligent. one of my leaders was telling me about how she was trying to learn how to show empathy to people. the cheating on partners… there was lots of it. often times it was the creepy old chief who would have a wife and a few children back home too.

what also shook me was the culture of misogyny (there are some people that still deny it happens lol), the fact they would protect the perpetrators of unacceptable behaviour and the many su*cides they would not speak a word about or offer support for.

it’s still obvious there is a lot of stigma around help seeking too — MEC culture (when you’re removed from a ship/platform or unit for medical reasons). it was really looked down upon to be a “chitter” or to be medically downgraded. sure, a lot of people would play the system. but a lot genuinely need that help. because IMO the place is enough to drive any sane person crazy.

I cringe at some of the things I was made to believe as well. I came to have a very rigid mindset and had to really tone down my rebellion to stop getting in trouble for questioning why things happened the way they did or challenging the system. I lost sense of who I was and became pretty miserable.

the stigma of being ex-military in the civilian world exists too. I’ve been told I’m over qualified for some jobs I went for while I was just starting in at uni. my younger classmates at uni also ask some interesting questions. one of them assumed that everyone in the adf was right-wing conservative.. nah 💚I’ve been asked it all, how women cope with having their periods on ships and if people sleep with each other on the ships… just fine and yes - lots, are the answers.

In the months after my discharge, I had issues with my self worth and questioning my purpose after I was told by a senior officer in my discharge interview that there aren’t many jobs I could walk into in the outside world that would provide the same level of satisfaction and meaning. he also said the $40k retention bonus they were offering would make a nice home deposit. never was it for the money.

needless to say, I got over that hurdle. I’m so incredibly happy to be a person in the civilian world, once again. I could never go back knowing and experiencing what I have on the “outside” world once again. I’m able to exercises my beliefs and values freely. of course it doesn’t go without its challenges. there are still hard days. I have reoccurring dreams still about navy days. it always involves a ship sinking/abandon ship scenario or a ship capsizing. fear of judgment or criticism of voicing my experiences can be limiting also.

but that’s something I’m still working through, working to unlearn.